Since January, I've been praying for a couple and their unborn baby.  The baby had some problems in-utero, and after being born 6 weeks early, they learned that things were much more serious than was evident during the prenancy.  Today, at 13 days old, Heaven gained a beautiful little angel.  When I heard this news, my heart broke.  The day before this young mom was to celebrate her very first Mother's Day, instead of celebrating, she was mourning the loss of her child. 

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It was a reminder that I am never guaranteed tomorrow with my kids.  And that even in the midst of tantrums, whining, and driving me crazy, my kids mean everything to me.  My identity is as a mom.  I can't even remember life before kids, and I would never change it for the world.  It made me realize that the housework could wait and playing outside with the kids was more important this evening.

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With Mother's Day only hours away, my heart is full of happiness.  Being a mom is the only thing I ever wanted growing up.  People always asked, "What do you want to be when you grow up," and in terms of a career I never had an answer (and still don't!).  But I did know that I wanted to be a mom.  While tomorrow will be a day of enjoying my babies, there is a part of my heart that is broken.

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I've attempted to share this on more than one occassion, but I never could bring myself to click "Publish."   Part of me was ashamed, embarassed I think.  But after hearing a speaker share about her journey this morning at a Mother's Day Brunch, I realized that God's plan is perfect.  And that just as our journey with Spina Bifida has encouraged so many, sharing this may comfort someone else to know she's not alone. 

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December 19 I found out I was pregnant.  Thinking back to my previous pregnancies, I remember how excited I was.  But this time, the excitement was clouded by worry and fear.  I can't explain why, but something just didn't seem right.  So much so that I didn't even tell Jonathan.  My first appointment was on our anniversary, which would have been at just over 7 weeks pregnant.  My plan was to tell him at dinner that night and show him the ultrasound pictures.  But God had a different plan.  The ultrasound showed that the pregnancy hadn't developed, but my body hadn't miscarried yet.  When I got in the car after my appointment I fell apart.  Even though I was prepared mentally for something to be wrong, I wasn't emotionally ready.  The doctor wanted to wait another week before scheduling surgery just to be sure, and that week was the worst 7 days of my life.  I cried.  I got angry.  I wanted to scream at the top of my lungs.  I wanted to curl up in bed and forget about what was happening.  But I couldn't.  I still had two beautiful, healthy kids to take care of.  

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My two closest friends, my parents, and two other friends were the only ones that knew.  Both of my best friends had experienced recent pregnancy losses, so their support meant more than anything.  There are two girls that I've become friends with over the past few years, and for some reason, I felt compelled to share what I was going thru.  It was definitely a God thing, because they were able to share with me their experience losing a pregnancy.  One of them told me it was ok to grieve.  And I needed to hear that because I felt like it wasn't "allowed." I felt like I was expected to just go on with my life as if nothing had ever happened.  I didn't want people to know because I didn't want to hear, "Are you ok?"  Because my answer would have been yes, when inside I was broken. 

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I never realized losing a pregnancy could be so hard.  But it is the worst feeling I have ever felt.  Something that was a part of me, was taken far too soon.  Going through that brought me to a place of happiness with what God has given me in my children.  I learned that the here and now is what truly matters and no moment with them should be taken for granted.  Even through the moments of frustration, I need to be thankful and realize just how blessed I already am.  I still think about the sweet little baby that woul have become part of our family, but my heart heals a little every day.  I know God's plan will continue to unfold, this was just one more bump on my journey.